Diary of a Fat Black Girl
Yes, I know that that seems like a terrible title, but food addiction is like any other and the first thing you have to do is own up to what you did and who you are in that moment. I am a foodaholic. I have a real emotional attachment to it. It is comforting and consistent when I deal with the things in life that are not comfortable or inconsistent. Food was my friend.
I am learning however that it is not my friend or my enemy. It is not an animate object. It is food for CRIMINY SAKE!!! It can't console. Sheesh, that is why I have to deal in the moment. Instead of trying to cope or cover something up I just need to deal with it. Joy or pain, I need to feel it, embrace it, know it.
Last night I went to dinner and the movies with my mom. When the movie was over, I was overwhelming emotional. Not that Anne Hathaway isn't interesting to watch, but the Devil Wears Prada is not that emotional of a movie. It is cute, but not that emotional. So I had to really work on understanding my feelings. I realized that I am finally taking weightloss seriously. I am seeing my goals getting accomplished in that area, where for years I failed and I am SCARED!!! I have for years worked to identify my self as a Fat Girl, embracing the battles societally and physically. I thought I was comfortable in this skin. But I am not. I did not get fat until I was in college and sat on my butt and ate pizza everyday. However mentally I got fat at age 9. I was told by my dance teacher that I should hide behind the mirrors so that the exercise class did not see how fat I was. From that point on I thought I was huge. I graduated high school in a size 8 and I thought I was the biggest girl in the world. I graduated college in a size 20 I believe and at that point knew that I was a fat girl. So, I embraced it. While in Hollywood I refused to change to fit the status quo. It cost me jobs, but it did allow me to work on the Parkers, where I realized that yes, those ladies had also embraced their fat girl. But did they really?
I met Countess Vaughn on the set, mind you I was an extra so it isn't like we kicked it, but the few interactions we had, she really was and is an extremely kind and sweet woman. Then I saw her on Celebrity Fit Club (sorry actor friends, I know, I watched reality T.V) and I realized that like me she didn't want to be Fat or seen as the Fat Friend or the Fat Sidekick. She wasn't going to settle for that anymore, but like me her emotions got the best of her and food became her friend and comfort. I empathize with this woman. I know this struggle. What they don't tell you however is the fear as the weight begins to come off.
I realized at the movies that I would be able to be a hot girl. *record scratch* Me? A hot girl? What is that? How do I identify with that? Am I being true to myself if I want to wear cute clothes and have a belly ring on my flat tummy or am I conforming? Ahh, there is the issue. The self proclaimed non conformist just wants to be a little bit apart of the crowd. It is okay Ms.Denva, it is okay to want to embrace what is popular and in every once in awhile. Everything in moderation. Food, style, conformity, everything. Enjoy the moment, embrace it. New shoes, embrace and love those new shoes and what they mean. A bite of cake savor that bite, enjoy that bite. I don't want to have to keep eating an entire piece to get my fill. It makes me happy in one bite, so be happy in that bite and move on. Anyway, this is getting long.
The moral of this story it is scary to lose weight because not only is the physical change difficult and exciting, the emotional change is just that, emotional.
Ms.Denva
