Do I know you?

Sometimes I sit back and think about my friends that have passed on in existance and as I was taking note of who they were I realized that I have buried a lot of friends to suicide. I then began to think, do I really know the people that I know? It started at 10 years old and I believe I have buried about 11 people to suicide alone. That is a large number seeing as I am only in my late 20's. I remember when my friend Kris left, I was stunned and saddened. Then I remember thinking, "Oh man, I was going to call him that day and I didn't," I beat myself up for years afterward thinking that I might have been able to do something to help him. When I finally talked to my mother about it, she gave me some wonderful advice. She said, "What would have happened if you did talk to him and he still committed suicide?" Well, I had never thought of it like that, I mean what would I have done. I then realized that I couldn't have done anything more than I had done. Time passes and so do more people and again I ask the question, "Do I know you?" When you are at your greatest low, no matter what time of day or night, do you know that you can call me for support? When it seems like the world is kickin your butt, do you know that you can email me for help? I understand the feelings and the emotions. I have been there, I know that dark space. I also know that there is always light and as my father always says, "All things come to pass." That is so simple, logical and comforting all at the same time. Who knew my parents were sages? Certainly not me :-). So I will say this, before it gets that deep and that dark please, I beg you, please call me and at least let's try to work through it. I just can't bear to bury another friend.
This entry is dedicated to Shaka, Kris, Emily, Jenny, Jamon and the others who didn't know. I really miss you guys.

Ms. Denva

Security Blanket

When I was younger I had to have something silky to rub on as well as suck my thumb to go to sleep. That was my security. When the world seemed all wrong for my little 2 year old self all I needed was my thumb and my silky to feel safe and secure. If I had those things I would be able to sleep or get through a particularly rough day before Christmas when, "I don't care anymore, I am tired of being good," was my new mantra.
So where is the security blanket now. If being Black in America wasn't enough, since I was already treated like a criminal, we now have the most strict regulations that regulate every part of our lives. When you go to sign a home loan you have the Patriot Act thrown in your face. When you use the cell phone and the click and whirr come on, showing you that Big Brother is listening or when you may say the wrong thing at the wrong time anywhere in public and you are automatically taken in for violation of the Patriot Act, where is the security. A silky and a thumb doesn't fix that. We are a country of fear and every year around this time in perpetuity we are going to be reminded of our fear and continue to all our lives to be taken over. I guess I just want an easy fix, but I should know better than that. Nothing is easy and now days nothing is safe.

Ms. Denva

Art

Okay you all know me and you all know that I love art. So I am going to tell you about this amazing site that has all kinds of afrocentric art. It is amazing. I am also going to show you a few of my favorite pictures. the website is www.artisanartsonline.com it is the bomb you should check it out.

Beauty

So as many of you know I have been working on losing weight and I have posted my very emotional journey, but I am now going to comment on beauty. In the world there are different things that people do that are considered beautiful. In some African ethnic groups wearing a plate in your lip is beautiful, in others having long earlobes is considered attractive. In some places in the world being rail thin is beautiful. In others like Samoa being a large person is beautiful. In America, it has only been in the past about 30 years that we have considered thin and extremely thin to be beautiful. With all of these options and conflicting ideas of beauty my question becomes, what really is beautiful? I have decided that beauty is when you are comfortable with yourself. It is journey into self understanding and acceptance. Some people are happy just with who they are. I realized that I can not be successful in weight loss until I feel beautiful in every step of the process, only then will the weight loss be healthy. Only then will the weight loss be for the right reasons. I may find that I am completely content with how I look or I may say, "ehh this is a bit large and uncomfortable for me. "
I have also been looking at old pictures of myself and said, "Oh in eighth grade I was a size 8 that is the perfect size for me." I have recently realized that I was a child in eight grade and I was working to develop the body of a woman. I said the same thing about myself when I was 17. Again, I was a child. I really really realize that this should be about my health and how I feel about myself, anything more than that is in my opinion a wrong reason to lose weight. So for right now I am a beautiful, buxom, busty, bootylicious Black woman that is going to love herself for herself and I implore every woman to embrace every positive attribute about herself as that is the only way for us to be secure in all situations in our lives.

Ms. Denva

Life is real

For those of you that don't know there was a Senior at my high school Denver East High School who was very badly injured at her prom when she was run over by the limo driver. She sustained massive injuries and for a while it was touch and go. Her parents started a blog on this site and I have read through some of the postings. It is REAL. This is another true example of life being real. I open this up to you all to see that we are all blessed in many ways and how prayer and love are real healing factors. Here is the link.

http://mollyspage2006.blogspot.com/

Please keep this strong young woman in your prayers she has a lot of road to go, but she has paved a lot already.

Ms. Denva

My Bestfriend

So I am writing this one as a huge thank you to my best friend. As a child I had a lot of friends and few that I would play with more than others, so I assumed that they were my bestfriends. I did not really figure out what it meant to have a bestfriend until I went to college and met my girl Ninos. Being an only child I have never really had the type of comraderie that many siblings experience, however when Ninos and I met on that fateful day in August of 1997 we became fast friends. We have been through everything together since then and have been there for each other in good times (concerts, plays and cool boyfriends) and definitely in the bad times (forced moves, terrible boyfriends, difficult parents...) She is not just my bestfriend she is my sister. If there were ever a woman in this world who I connect with and can feel like I can share anything, knowing I will not be judged it is Ninos. We have talked about this, but I just had to share with everyone how wonderful a friend she is. So here are a few quotes that I found in some magazines today that I feel really express what our frienship is about.

"A bestfriend is the sister destiny forgot to give you." -unknown
"Friendship is a promis made in the heart, unbreakable by distance, unchangable by time."-unkown
"Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave and impossible to forget." -unknown

In this day and age of people taking others for granted and being selfish I just wanted to take some time out and give a shout out to my bestfriend, no my sister, Ninos.

Thanks girl!

Ms. Denva

When I grow up

It is so funny to sit back and think about what I wanted to be when I grew up. I of course was not ever like anyone that I knew. I never wanted to be a doctor, I knew I didn't like blood then or a fireman, because I was not trying to get burnt up. I didn't want to be a teacher because everyone else in my family was a teacher and they didn't make any money. And I especially didn't want to be a police man as they beat people and I wasn't in to that.

So what did I want to be? A Star!! From the age of 2 I would tell my parents that when I grew up I was going to be a star. For the duration of my school career, I prepared myself to be a star. I would participate in plays, singing groups, dance classes all in the ultimate pursuit of being a star. I went to college and majored in theatre because I was going to be a star. Then I got out into the real world, got whooped up on a few times and realized. I DON'T WANT TO BE A STAR. What I have seen people do for stardom are just not things I am willing to do.

Lately, however, I have been thinking about what it means to be a star and I have realized that I have reached stardom. I am a star in the eyes of the many students that I reach every day. Yes, I became a teacher. Shut up. Back to my point. I am a star to the cheerleaders that I coach when admonish and praise them for their hard work. I am a star to my younger cousins when I take time out to talk to them about their life goals before they go to the Army, help them become the best cheerleader on the squad, when I help them with their hair and style, when I listen to them when they feel that no one hears them, when I spend time with them and only them, when I watch the Cheetah Girls movies with them, when I can talk about the latest teen sensation and actually know what I am talking about, when I am able to defend them when they are getting a little chubby because they are prepubescent, when I am able to give them hugs when they really need it. I have reached my goal. I am a star to a few people and that for me is enough at this juncture in my life. The only things I had to sacrifice to gain this title were time, love and affection, all things that I am willing to sacrifice for stardom. Although I don't completely consider myself grown-up (my bills do), I do see myself as growing. So, I have reached part of my goal of stardom and it is nice, but now I am trying to figure out what I want to really be when I grow up.

Ms. Denva

Place of Peace

Have you ever had a moment in your life when you were just okay? When it felt like the entire world was going to come to peace at that moment? I have had that feeling a few times in my life. The first time, however was the most shocking.
Imagine with me if you will. I was about 15 or 16 years old and I was in Memphis, Tennessee. I swear it was 130 degrees in the shade and I had just gotten off a charter bus with no air conditioning to visit the infamous Lorraine Motel. The Lorraine Motel, for those that don't know is the motel where Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated. I know it is all beginning to sound weird, but stay with me on this one.
So they have converted the motel into a museum, focusing on the Civil Rights Movement in the United States as well as the life of Dr. King. They have the bus where Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat, there is a timeline on the wall, there are television screens depicting the demonstrations where the police used dogs and fire hoses on demonstrators, and as you wind up a staircase there is the garbage workers strike being depicted. All of this is very well put together and informative, but this was not where I was moved. The struggle for equality and freedom is something that I have grown up with, so these images have been burned into my brain and psyche. They have been the reason why I fought so hard in school to get rid of people auctions as a fundraiser. They have been the reason I was active in BSA, P.A.N.D.A., and fought in college for the rights of all minority students. They were not, however the reason I was moved in this space and time. So I will continue.
After you wind up the staircase there is a glassed in area with an informational kiosk and a tour guide. In front is a plate glass window the looks out on what could be considered a very nice view of foliage. Then the guide explains to you where you are, you are taking the final steps that Dr. King took, you are in the hallway to his room. First an uneasy feeling settles in like you are in a place you shouldn't be, that you are encroaching on a private moment in someones life, but once you cross the threshold that is when you know peace. It is washes over you like a cool shower on a hot summer day. It takes you by surprise like when you do something embarrassing and hope that no one sees it. So, I looked at the woman to my right and we both asked each other, "Hey did you feel that?" And of course we both replied, "Yes." It felt safe and comforting kind of like how you feel when you come home for the first holiday during freshman year in college.
That feeling only happens for a short moment, but in that moment I have never felt more secure in my life. It is the homeostasis that we seek everyday in our lives and I was blessed enough to be apart of it in that moment in time. I have had that feeling definitely one other time. I will put that in a blog later, but if you have not ever had that experience. I am sorry. It is the most wonderful feeling in the world. Maybe that is how new moms feel when they see their babies for the first time after nine months of non-tangible, faith based bonding. I guess I will either wait and find out or just ask. That is still up for debate.
I wish you all that overwhelming sense of peace and safety. It is truly a blessing.

With love,

Ms. Denva

http://www.civilrightsmuseum.org/

Left Behind

So I have been reading the Left Behind series of books and attending bible study along with this I have been watching the news seeing all the horrible stuff that is going on and I am beginning to think that there might be something to this end of the world thing. If it is how the Bible predicts then there will be seven years of trials and tribulations after that. So it got me to thinking. I am cool on the trials and tribulations thing. Life sucks enough now, I don't need the ultimate sucky life. I just pray that there is not such thing as reincarnation because I don't want to come back during some crazy stuff like that. I guess I really don't want to be left behind, I want to up and disappear without a trace. This is heavier than I usually write in the non-Diary of a Fat Black Girl, but it has been weighing on my mind.

Oh on a lighter note I am getting "A's" in my master's classes so that rocks.

I'll holla,

Amber